Sent in by Elizabeth B

People like me who have been indoctrinated into a belief system since birth have many obstacles to overcome in order to free themselves up to think critically. There is a substantial raft of belief which has kept us afloat in this world.

I'll start at the beginning, which was before I was born. My parents got together and decided they were being led by the Lord to become missionaries. Well before my Mother met my Father she had had an ambition to become a missionary. Her own Mother -- a charismatic Pentecostal lover of Jesus -- had bemoaned the fact that her own desire to go abroad and minister to the countess heathens in the world had been thwarted (no specific reason being given). I am quite convinced that this disappointment was made up for by my Mother finally going off to do God's work in her place. Her Father had been an adult convert to fundamental Christianity and was a lay, street preacher. He used to stand on Preachers Corner in Hyde Park in London yelling to people to repent and waving a Bible (King James version)

My own Father had been converted during a Billy Graham rally in the late 50's. Meeting my Mother was his "ticket to ride" in the sense that it gave him a vehicle to transport him out of his own lowly status as a working class, uneducated man with very low self esteem. They both took up training for this intended missionary work -- my Mother at Mount Herman Missionary Training College and my Father somewhere else in the UK (or maybe it was an affiliated college).

They married and had me, the first of six children all born within ten years. When I was three months old, they boarded a ship to Northern Brasil (in 1962 air travel was out of their reach financially). They eventually settled in a small town called Cameta, which is on the Tocantines River. They built a house and a church.

Pioneers! In their own adventurous way (Brave is not the right word to use; no need for bravery with God on your side.), they were on a MISSION!

Looking back, I can see that my Father’s status amongst the native Brazilians was much elevated. In turn, his self belief was greatly enhanced by his position as “Pastor Arnaldo” This had a profound affect on his self esteem not only among his congregation but also at “Home” where hundreds of fellow believers prayed and supported them financially.

I would love to tell you that I was home tutored, but the tragedy was that I was bundled off to a Christian boarding school called the Amazon Valley Academy in Belem about 200 miles from Cameta.. I was six years old. Four of my siblings followed me there. This was the way it was, and my parents saw that it was good. After all, they were called by God. There was no question in my mind that it might be any other way. If my mother was ever upset at leaving me every new semester, she kept it very well hidden. I learned not to cry. I will not upset myself by going into all the grievous details. Suffice it to say that with the help of counseling and a strong network of friends and a very understanding husband, I have managed to overcome my grief (for grief it certainly was). I was educated for the next 8 years.

When I was almost 15 years old, our family (now a compliment of six children) the youngest of which was five, returned permanently to the UK.. I was to start doing my levels (final exams of secondary education) However, having been educated to a different system (American) and coming back a year too late for the required two-year run-up, I had to go back a year. Returning to the UK at that age and entering a school of 1800 pupils (I was used to 150) -- a Comprehensive (state) school -- was a devastating experience. The confusion to my little persona was complete. I did not fit in. All of this makes for fascinating stories to my friends, and although I understand now why they are so intrigued by them, for me it has been a slow and painful ride to get where I am now.

In my late teenager-hood I was beginning to grasp just how strange my upbringing had been. I am not saying that society in the UK is ideal, or that the school was great, or even adequate educationally, but I began to see that the outside world was much more engaging and interesting that I had known. Non-Christians, I was discovering, were nice people too. (!) Good existed in people who had no faith in God. In my home, prejudice against the non-believer had been subtle when it wasn’t outright. I was starting to learn lessons which I had been deprived of in my Christian home.

Moving on 30 years

Out of the six of us, one brother is a re-converted, practicing charismatic Christian and gentle father of four; and one sister is a born again, re-converted mother of two grown up boys. The remaining four, one of which is me, are varying shades of atheist/agnostics. That fact alone is a testament to the strength of character shown by us who have managed to rise out of a childhood of emotional deprivation and indoctrination of the most exhaustive kind. I vividly remember crying out to Jesus to come into my heart and forgive my sins when I was only 11 or 12 and again when I was 15 and when my belief system and my newly discovered world were starting to clash. It never worked.

Although my parents are good people, I see clearly how faith can make good people do bad things. I have witnessed it in my own life. That should give me a huge advantage and insight but my de-programming is an ongoing process. I do not know if I will ever be completely free from the ingrained thoughts. This is why I feel especially vulnerable in my new worldview. A part of my brain knows no different (someone might enlighten me here). I want Reason to prevail. I feel disadvantaged in a way that many people who have not been indoctrinated are not. I have no support system except for snippets of conversation here and there. Many people are indifferent to the harm caused by blindly following a faith. They are the lucky ones because they have never known it.

There might be more of my story to follow but that is all for the time being. Thank you if you have had the patience to read this far.

Elizabeth B (nee Ackland)
Formerly of Southampton England, now residing in Javea, Spain.