By Brenden Rexford

Imagine your mind being taken over by some belief. Anything, just for example's sake. That belief infects you, taking over every ounce of free will and common sense you have. Your body now belongs to that belief. Every aspect of your life revolves around it. Every belief that is not the exact same as yours is wrong and evil, because only you and that small group that share your ideas are right. You don't have to even study other beliefs- by default, anything by another name is wrong, whether you know anything at all about it or not. And all that time, you are not really thinking, though you believe you fully are and that you are better off than you were. You also believe that your mind is clear and you have finally come to realize a great truth, when in actuality, you have never been more wrong and more lonely. Not understanding why others criticize you, why you are a misfit. And suddenly everything spirals downward in flames and you come to the shocking conclusion that you are alive, though you barely remember who you are to begin with. Starring myself, and a fictitious sky phantom called “god”.

A time in my life where I changed very much is when I quit religion and became an atheist. I went from being a narrow minded bigot to a normal person who accepts others for who they are. Before my change, my experience was not a pleasant one. Some people find comfort in religion- I found fundamental extremist Christianity: the most hateful, narrow minded, controlling, and contradictory thing I have ever laid eyes upon. By my change from bigot to atheist, my life is all around happier. I am more appreciative of life; I am more appreciative of others; I am more appreciative of myself.

My story begins about three years ago, in my Freshman year of High School. I had recently been in contact with my step sister Sherry, who I had not talked to since I was very little. Not because I don’t like her, we’re just not as close to that side of the family. I talked to my sister via phone and email. I suppose I enjoyed it; she was very friendly. Then one day she asked me if I wanted to go to church with her. I didn’t know that since last we met, she had become deeply religious. I very much did not want to go. I had always had a dislike for church. From what I had seen on TV, it seemed boring, and it didn’t really make any sense to me. Despite myself, I went anyways. I don’t know exactly why. It may have been partly intimidation, or maybe just wanting to make my sister happy. This was the beginning of my troubles.

I remember little of my first experience there. However, there are a few vivid and important details I remember. Some symbolic, some literal. Firstly I remember the atmosphere. It seemed both lax and strict at the same time. I don’t know exactly how to explain it. The congregation and pastor were nice enough. People smiled at me, shook my hand, and welcomed me to their church. Yet there was an aura of tenseness; somehow, I did not fit in here. The carpet in that building was almost the exact color of blood. There may have been a massacre there, I would never know. Although the color of the carpet doesn’t actually mean anything, it made me uneasy. Almost like symbolic details an author gives in a story. Also, the colored light from the stained glass windows, and the long shadows cast by the way the windows were set- it seemed more scary than inviting.

And then, as if a giant hand was moving me against my will, I found myself somehow up in the front of the church near the end of the service. I was stiff as a board, my throat tight with anxiety, surrounded by people chanting in a pretend language that they didn’t even know (it was a Pentecostal church). I didn’t know exactly what was going on; all I knew is that I wanted to be back in the comfort of my home. The pastor was by me, telling me of my sins, and how I was going to hell if I did not repent. Apparently (I don’t remember), I had told my sister I liked to play Pokemon and read Harry Potter. The pastor told me that these were of the devil. I didn’t understand his reasoning, but he had scared me to death. Was I really such a bad person? I never killed anybody Why was I going to hell for playing my favorite games and reading my favorite books?

They must have gotten their hold on me, because as soon as I got home I threw out my Pokemon games and Harry Potter books. I got into a huge fight with my mother. She was screaming at me to not believe what those “church freaks” said. But I was not immune to religious control. I began to obey the church rather than my own mother. I began to be interested in the church. For about a year or so, I went to that church with my sister. Not every Sunday, maybe twice a month. I was becoming a “church freak” myself.

I delved deeper and deeper into Christianity. It was a hole I dug myself into. I began to read and learn on my own at home. Eventually, I shifted my beliefs. I had gone deeper into religion than my sister had, and entered the denominational wars. I came to the conclusion that my sister’s church was evil- they were worshiping incorrectly. I formed my own beliefs, and associated myself more with the Baptist sect. Then began my Fundamentalist stage. The horrible dark period of my life.

What is fundamentalism? It is impossible to explain the full extent of it in a nutshell. But if I must, it’s basically extremism. Osama bin Laden is an extremist Muslim- I was an extremist Christian (only I didn’t kill people). It is a mind gone berserk, infected with an obsession with religion. It is taking the bible much too seriously. It is a brain programmed according to one 2000 year old book. The contents of the book are literal, not fables, and anything that disagrees with the book must be annihilated.

For approximately two years, I lived as an automaton, a slave to my “heavenly father”. Almost everyday, after school, I would go straight to my computer and read all day about Christianity. I was especially interested in the end times, doomsday scenarios, the mark of the beast, 666, the apocalypse. I became more and more deeply involved. My life changed drastically. It was my dream to wander around the earth and preach to people. In all seriousness, I planned to not take advantage of my intelligence and other good qualities, to roam about like some kind of nut and preach everywhere. I became very strict in my manner. Sometimes I would not listen to a song because it had a single swear word in it. I would not play certain video games that I had once loved, because of minor things that were an “abomination” to God. I grew distant from some of my friends because I believed they were too worldly. The biggest event due to my increasing extremist view occurred last year, my junior year, in honors English class. It was near the climax of my insanity, which was also, thankfully, near the end.

I deeply regret now what happened. I was in Ms. White’s class, and we were supposed to read a book called “Catcher in the Rye”. I had already refused to read “Of Mice and Men”, and a few of the movies in class that were too “immoral”. I refused to read this book too. I went through and noted numerous swear words without even getting through the first ten pages. I then quoted the book and wrote a letter of complaint to Mr. Jennings. And every day in class, I would just sit there. While the class read and did projects on the book, I sat very tensely. I was “standing up for my beliefs”. Ms. White and I would clash every day. We battled intensely over morality. I refused to read the book because it was too “immoral” and “ungodly”. Around this time I was deeply depressed. I don’t believe I was depressed in the medical sense of the word, but every day was a struggle and I was exhausted and miserable. But I kept going, for the sake of my beliefs, despite my downwardly spiraling grade. (I now am truly sorry for this and I regret my actions that made me look like an idiot.)

Then something happened. The funny part is I can’t remember exactly what happened, or when exactly I came to my senses. At the time I was heavily waging war with atheists online, in ferocious debates. And then an older part of me awakened. I had been reading the atheist’s arguments, and my mind opened up a bit. Instead of my usual mindset of “I’m right, you’re wrong, shut up”, I came to realize that I could be wrong. I was capable of being wrong, which I don’t think I believed before. I was convinced that the ideals I preached were the only ones to live by. Everybody else was wrong. Then for whatever reason, I opened my mind to other people’s arguments for a split second. And I came to see reason in their logic. LOGIC One characteristic of fundamentalism is the apparent lack of common reasoning and logic. The only answer I had known to questions was “God did it”. The atheist’s arguments had gotten into my mind and pried it open, and all for the better, opening up my mind to common sense and rationality.

And here I stand. I am a living, breathing human being. I am not under strict control. I have found my senses. I have returned from my horrible downfall. I am awake from my trance. Although I hate my past, I have gained a wealth of knowledge. First of all, ALWAYS question authority. Don’t be lazy and complacent, and don’t accept everything that is said to you. One must do research before they accept some large idea as true. I failed to do this, probably because I was young and stupid and intimidated. I learned that obsession drives a person mad. During my period of fundamental Christianity, I felt something in the back of my mind that was not quite right. It is the feeling of obsession. It is the feeling of living for one very specific cause, and I was corrupted by it. I lived every day to please this God. Not my family, not myself, not anyone. As a result, relationships suffered, even my relationship to myself. Lastly, I learned to be very careful in the world. It is very easy to trip up as I did. The world is full of people with their own agendas. Sometimes those people become too attached to that agenda, and force it on others (not always intentionally, and I forgive them for that). Never become brainwashed into thinking one way and one way only. Life is a multi-lane highway. Everybody is going to the same place, just not the exact same way.

I am VERY different now than I was, and it is all for the better. Relating to the previous paragraph, I now accept that everybody takes a different path in life, and that’s ok. As a fundamentalist, I believed that any other religion than my own specific one was wrong, and all of it’s followers were destined to burn in hell for eternity. Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Wiccans, “Darwinists”, Atheists, were all evil sinners in my eyes. I now accept everybody. I am tolerant. I believe that if you sincerely believe what you are doing is right, and you try to do your best to be a good person, no wrathful God can blame you in the afterlife. I am open minded; this is the way I originally was. I am very open to new ideas, beliefs, practices, etcetera. Another difference is my whole lifestyle. In a way I am much “darker” than I used to be, but not in a negative sense. I used to condemn rock music as the devil’s. Now I love rock, particularly Screamo and the like. I don’t care about vulgarity anymore. I would have no problem with “Catcher in the Rye”; I even swear myself. I watch movies now with my friends that would make me run out of the theatre screaming before (Borat, Good Luck Chuck, Superbad, etc.). And maybe most importantly, I value myself and others much more. Christianity taught me that mankind was naturally evil, and that we all deserve to burn in hell forever, no matter how little our sins are. I now realize the stupidity of this thinking. I believe that mankind, despite it’s downfalls, generally works for the good of all, and is generally benevolent.

So my journey has brought me from extreme archaic ancient conservative theocratic thinking, to very liberal and open minded. I love my change. And I can credit it to myself, I’m not obligated to give God credit for everything now. I am an intelligent human being, and I dug myself out of a hole, and I’m very proud of my accomplishment.

I have gained valuable life lessons and am much stronger. People will not so easily get to me now. I remember to just do my very best in life, and if anybody has a problem with that they are delusional. I am changed: I believe no god exists, and I have never felt more wonderful.

Religion ends and philosophy begins, just as alchemy ends and chemistry begins and astrology ends and astronomy begins. - Christopher Hitchens