Sent in by Kylee

I always believed in a God but basically I did my thing and he did his. Four years ago I had a very real 'divine' experience. There was simply no denying that God was calling me. This was the only way I could explain such spiritual and strange happenings that were taking place in my life. At first I approached it with an open mind and with a sincere desire to respond I followed what I believed to be God's direction for my life. I visited a Hare Chrishna farm not because I was seeking God but because I felt I had clear instructions from him to do so. It was during my stay there that I experienced a rebirth not being born again figuratively but literally having an experience of my physical body going through the birthing process. If it is not already apparent to some of you I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder and the experience of becoming a born again Christian came complete with hallucinations and delusional prophetic messages.

After spending a night at the farm I then rejected this religion as God made it evident he had other plans for me. My next mission was to visit a Christian Orthodox church and after sitting quietly receiving their welcome and gifts of food, declaring ' God has sent me here!' I later came to the conclusion that God meant these incidents as a blessing to those who were hospitable. as in I was representative of 'the least' and 'anything you do unto the least of these you do unto me'.

Eventually I was 'led' to Christianity and also diagnosed and medicated for my illness. For four long years I suffered from depression but continued to have faith though the profound experiences of God ceased. During these four years my emotional needs often went unmet and I couldn't understand why God remained so aloof. I had to relinquish custody of my children because of the illness and I even attempted suicide. The whole four years I spent wishing I were dead yet eager to please God. Whenever I asked where was the joy I was promised I was given explanations such as"joy differs from happiness its a deep down peace." though there was nothing deep down in me but misery.

I was also very lonely and longed for a romantic relationship though being a good Christian woman I was waiting for a good Christian man.

Having a mental illness and four children I was greeted 'non-judgmentally' of course though as far as relationships go God had something far more ideal planned for those good Christian men.

For this is the Christian mentality.

I was also told at one point by a friend that God had revealed he would have a husband for me soon so i lived in this hope while the months turned into years and I got sick of being told God's understanding of soon was different to my own.

I was oppressed and forbidden to do things that could very well have made my life easier.

After being treated it took me a couple of months to realize I wasn't Jesus (this had been one of my delusions) about six months to come to terms with the fact I was not going to die from cancer (another delusion) and four years to realize God wasn't there (the greatest delusion) and now I have never been happier.

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