Sent in by Susan

I was raised Catholic. My whole family still believes in the Church. My dad is even a "Knight of Columbus."

As a child, I was afraid there was no God. I was always doubting. But since my parents believed, I assumed there must be a god, even though I couldn't see him. I sometimes felt uplifted at church.

When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend who was a born-again Christian. I liked his friends and the church activities. So I tried to buy into it. It's actually very simple: You just follow the rules.

After a while, I realized the rules were stupid. I stopped going and went to college. At college, I continued to be scared of dying. What if there was no God? No Heaven? That was very scary to me.

After a year at college, my mother died of cancer. I was angry at God and turned away from him. I said I was an atheist because god would not let things like that happen to my mom.

This went on for awhile. I would say now, that I didn't have a true atheism. I still believed in God because I was angry at him. I suffered from anxiety attacks when I thought about death. The anxiety attacks were very scary.

After college, I met my first husband. He was a manipulative jerk, but I was so depressed at the time, I was just glad to have someone in my life. It was a very sad, pathetic time in my life that I'm not proud of. My first husband was a born-again Christian and converted me back. The anxiety attacks mostly stopped because I could believe in something.

After awhile, I divorced my husband and met someone new. He had always been searching for the truth in life himself. We got married.

I began to really read the Bible and research what others said about different religions. I met some Mormons and learned about what they thought, too.

Reading the Bible showed me that the Bible is contradictory, mean-spirited and anti-family. As a mother of 2 kids, I would never choose God over my kids, but the Bible expects a person to do that.

After all of this research, I realized that there is no way that there is a God. People want to believe because it makes them feel better. It made me feel better, too. But believing in something that isn't real isn't very satisfying to me. I'd rather that there was a Heaven. I'd love to see my mom when I die. But I know that's not true. It's wishful thinking.

At this point, I became a true atheist. I started taking medication for my anxiety and depression. It turns out that I have a chemical imbalance that I probably inherited from my parents. The medicine balances me. I am able to think more clearly.

I discovered the writings of Epicurus. It helped me deal with death. There is nothing to fear.

I have am raising my kids to be free-thinkers. I hope they will choose atheism. My husband is not an atheist, but neither is he religious. He is moderately "spiritual." I hope more people can learn to turn away from religion. It is a pipe-dream, a wishful desire that leads to nothing. Appreciating life and celebrating it every day is what is most important.

El Paso
TX
USA
Joined: born into it
Left: 28
Was: Catholic, Christian (Born again)
Now: atheist
Converted because: Born into it
De-converted because: Read the Bible