sent in by anonymous

Hello to all,

I came from a disfuncitional fundamentalist home. I was raised baptist and was raised to fear God and hell. To do anything biblically wrong was a no-no. I had a learning disorder and was continually doubting my Christianity. I was a people pleaser and lived my life trying to fit in, this was not to be, because when you are different you don't fit in anywhere, especially in church, where the meanest people in the world live.

Being rejected by all my Christian peers while growing up in the church was hard, talk about rejection!

I went for over 40 years believing that I would finally come to a place of rest and peace with myself and with others in the church. Who did I think I was expecting this? I believed it would happen in good time. I participated in ministry and strived to fit in at any cost, and my wife and kids suffered my absence in their lives.

When I was in the military I experienced God in many different and unusual ways. God was real in my life. The God I met there blessed me and showed me things. This God was not the God of my former experience, nor would this God be the God in my future experience in the church.

I have been to methodist, baptist, presbyterian, open bible, non-denominational (calvary chapel), pentcostal, charismatic lutheran, episcopal etc., trying to find at least one church that worshipped the God I met in the military. My search led me and my family into a group of dark, controlling people who sensed our need for acceptance and confirmation. These people controlled our every move. They told us why we had sex, how we were to entertian ourselves, how we needed to spend our money. One lady told my wife to rebel against me if she didn't agree with my decisions.

The straw, and it was a blessed straw, that broke the camel's back was when our daughter married a mormon boy. Talk about a good person, her husband is a good person. I am glad she married him. As soon as our friends found out they didn't come to the wedding and didn't talk to us anymore. Everytime we would get together with them when our daughter was dating this boy, we would be told that "it was not logical for her to date him." These people have an alchoholic daughter who lives under the constant condemnation of these people who call themselves her parents. Poor girl.

As a result of all the problems with our bi-polar son, who also was told that he was demon possessed because he has problems, I had a complete breakdown. I developed high blood pressure, fibromyalgia and went into a deep clinical depression,all courtesy of christians. I am on the mend now and now take wellbutrin. This medication has changed my life. It has helped my ADHD so much that I am no longer depressed and can concentrate and read books for the first time in my life, I am no longer a victim but a conquerer. I now see these phony people for who they are.
The best thing that all of these experiences have taught me is that I no longer have to go to church. I no longer have to compete for peoples acceptance. I no longer have to be part of a brutal organization that systematically strips a person of their individual joy, pride and life. God does not live in the church of these people.

I now am a seeker of who God really is. Church as I see it, is nothing more that a bunch of like minded, self-righteous, hypocrites whos only mission in life is to torture others until they make them into their own image. I am through with church forever. I am blessed to no longer need church or have any desire to go. I find it hard to believe in God because I don't see, nor have ever seen the love that the bible talks about. If God has saved people, then where is the love?
I want to live as I am meant to live. Where is the God I seek? That is the question.

I am unknowing.