A letter from "Alone"

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Did deconversion create intense loneliness, depression and anxiety for anyone?

I began to have serious doubts about faith 2 years ago. I am desperate to still believe in God like I used to, but I just don't think I can anymore.

When I go to church it feels like I am trying to breathe under water. When I see people praising God I remember what it was like to believe and I wish I could be happy like them, but I just feel that I can't live a lie. I can't just believe again because I feel that I will ALWAYS doubt and it will never go away. I don't think I can handle being like this for much longer.

I just feel so incredibly afraid all the time. Like there's a pit in my stomach ALL THE TIME. I do not know who I am anymore and I feel really empty. When I think about religion my head actually physically hurts. I get terrified when I go to sleep and I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. It really affects my life and I cannot take much more of it. I have asked God to help me, but I just feel like I cannot do it anymore. I have tried to read the bible and go to church, but it does not work. If God says that we should seek and we will find, then why do I still feel this way? I have searched for God more than anyone I know.

I have moved to a new town and I cannot meet anyone here. I am desperately lonely. The people are very different and I struggle to connect with anyone. I have gone to church a few times because I just get so incredibly lonely. I still have Christian friends in other parts of the country and the world and I love them very much because they have supported me through very troubled times. They are worried about me but I just cannot explain to them what I am going through. Not one of my family members understands and my friends just think I am very sad.

I struggle to meet new friends because I am still in between being a Christian and leaving the church. This really hurts because I am a very social person. I really want to meet a woman, but I just feel like I can't. I worry about this because I feel like I can't be with someone who doesn't believe but I also can't be with someone who does! I am really worried that I am going to end up alone because of this.

Has anyone felt like this? I just need to know that it gets better because I just don't know if I can make it.

Thanks.