Hello,

I just had to tell you how much I appreciate your site. I'm an ex-Christian also, and might just take you up on your offer to send along my own "testimony" in the near future.

One thing stood out when I read your story, and I just wanted to mention it because my experience was similar. When I was in 15 or so I attended one of these Billy Graham movie things too. There was an altar call at the end, and instead of responding to it, like you, I memorized the prayer to say at home later. And now I'm 41, and wonder why I did that - what made me delay my response? The only conclusion I can offer is that somehow I knew - deep down - that it was wrong for me. I had doubts, too many doubts, to commit in such a public way. Yeah, I did the whole youth group, street evangelism, Bible study thing too. But no one ever saw me make the commitment. Oh, don't get me wrong, my response in making the private repentance/conversion was just as real as yours. I had similar feelings. It was so private, though, that I can only say my behavior in not repenting publicly was an indicator of my doubts.

I left the church about 10 years ago - I did a little swinging back and forth for a while, but I attribute that to all the years of control that were programmed into me while I was still a Christian. While I was a Hyper-Christian (that's the term I use for it) my family and friends found me to be unbearable to be around. My mother recently pointed out to me that at that time I was in hyper-mode, I would not even discuss certain subjects with her - more evidence of indoctrination. When she mentioned this to me I told her I think the reason was that I was afraid that by talking about these things, I'd give Satan a chance to magnify the doubts I already had and would end up backsliding or leaving the church altogether.

Sometimes doubt is a good thing. I got my life back.

Thanks again for your site. :)

Sincerely,
Keket