By Liniasmax

Random thoughts, and I mean very random, mostly about Hell - but also about the whole deconversion process starting with the lack of luck deconverting those you love most. Now I'm no psychologist, although students have to call me Doctor (Ph.D. - 1996) - but I can see that the zeal I had as a recent deconvert got me nowhere when it came to creating doubt among those brethren and sistren with whom I shared my ... well, ...uh... reason. No matter how much "reason" one uses - "faith" (the evidence of things not seen - I know, what evidence?) wins - even worse, your reason gets brushed aside as if it is, likewise, some sort of faith... in science, or research, or your own brain - when all it is is an admission that there is no evidence for invisible spooks of any form. Why otherwise would you need faith? ... so that is a dead end...and most people of faith are people of the "got it figured out, leave me alone" type. I didn't realize as much until after I left the fold (and to think, I was once the same way).

So my friends - in the five or so weeks since I last posted something, I have agonized, then become anxious, then become hopeful, only to begin anew the process of spreading my wings (without knocking the rest of my family out of the nest). I have seriously entertained thoughts of becoming a liberal Christian, because they seem harmless enough - heck they don't even believe - and they get to be called Christian, so that most folks leave them alone. But something inside of me (integrity maybe?) says "screw that - that's a dumb-butt idea.". But then something else, says that it's a very good preservation strategy, at least buying me some time. I needed a new term, though - liberal isn't a good term where I live. More on that later, because right now I feel some griping coming on - so here goes:

I cannot stand the idea of Hell. I've read some good posts here, there and over there about the subject. It's a definite Achilles heel of the whole John 3:16 thing. When I object to it - the (fundamentalist) Christian response is generally JOY that yet another "soul", by not believing in Hell (and moreover being appalled by the very notion), is somehow proving that Satan exists and that the Christian in question is very blessed by having been given the gift of faith, so that no one can boast - thus meaning that she is not making the same mistake, or so she boasts... unless she does that stupid, fake "I deserve Hell, but by God's grace..." - then she'll boast about how she somehow deserves Hell, because I mean she has thought about her own well-being before and done something "bad", and worse than that, she was BORN...

I also cannot stand the idea of the 2000 years worth of spin-doctoring that has resulted in an answer for every little thing a doubter or just a normal, reasonable person has. Talk about Owens Corning superior insulation: I believe not in the Lord, so my integrity and the fact that I care about someone other than myself is the gift of "common grace." The rapture has supposedly not happened because of this sort of "divine kindness," unless you're a preterist, then some sort of pseudo-rapture occurred when Nero went crazy. Now there's a spin that you can't write a best-selling series on - you gotta have some futurism! I'm about to take the Left Behind series and The Late Great Planet Earth and bury them out back in a cardboard box - they'll survive millennia (being blessed), so whoever is left after the earth repopulates a few thousand years from now (meaning repopulates from the self-fulfilling, religiously-fueled nuclear end of the world as we know it), can find the set and study our lunacy - yes, twas delusion that killed the beast (multi-layered allusion there - I'm proud of that one).

The "who are you oh man/God is mysterious/better than us/etc. BS" is one of my biggest gripes - because this tautologically confounding, all-encompassing piece of rhetoric is a petrified wood fortress. That's why my daughter fell last night and we went to the emergency room to have a severe eye-cut sewn up at midnight, because God is mysterious. Especially when my believing family says "Thank God that you didn't fall just an inch more to the left or you would have lost an eye." I can't defeat that!!!! So I said "yeah - and thank God you're gonna be alright because "name withheld", who is only 12 years old, just had her cancer return worse than before and she only has months to live. Glory to God in the highest." Of course, I was being indignant, because this sort of logic is absurd - and it gives this God who, "it is written," exists solely for His own glory, whatever the hell that means - well, it gives Him a free pass. And how can I be created in His image, and He can be only interested in His own glory, but it is downright evil if I have any self-interest or pride in an accomplishment?

I don't believe, so I've been "deceived" and the Bible doesn't need all those "interpretations" and those apologetic books...but it has them anyway. You know, I want the "worm that does not die" - now that would be a great fishing bait - What? How do you know it's not that kind of worm? Oh - it's a metaphor for the soul - oh - and that's the literal interpretation - so the worm is in Hell? But it's the soul, not a worm - and it has teeth that it can gnash? Can you fish in Hell? You see, my grandpa, whom I loved dearly and did the best he could to be the best dad, grandpa and guy he could be - never hurt anyone and had a great secret recipe Bar-B-Q sauce - well, he had brain chemistry that didn't allow his soul to think and believe for him. His carnal mind thought believing a book that someone else had to explain to him didn't add up to much - I mean how could he trust it? His genetic make-up was such that his soul was trapped and couldn't blossom - so he is in Hell. He's been there for 30 years - I miss him. He taught me how to shoot a gun and to fish (can't you tell I'm a southern male). He always made me feel special.

Now look at you - you've gone and made me emotional. I know, I know - that's the reason I really de-converted - You are right! I just couldn't stand the truth that I was a filthy sinner just like my grandpa. I mean come on, we were BORN after all... and now I have totally rebelled against the story I was told, that I embraced for over 25 years of life, because look at me, I'm an emotional mess. And it's even worse for me because I have tasted salvation and lived it - now I'm turning away. It'll be better for Sodom and that other place I can't spell on judgment day that for me - I'm slime of all slime. I've tasted the goodness of God and puked. I'm so dirty. And it's open for everyone to see - it's so evident. No one can trust me...it's all emotional - YES! I know there is a God. YES! I know I deserve Hell. YES! I know that faith is reasonable and reason is not. I'm carried away by my emotions... someone save me... OK...enough of that BS...No personal God, no Hell, and faith is a four-letter word (shut up, you do the same spin on the Scriptures - remember the worm?)

And - you know - I love my emotions - they help me survive - and they give me passion. I have passion for my (not so) new clandestine, covert identity. I'm a liberal Christian at home and in the community, because a liberal Christian is like a neutered cat - they don't produce offspring. That way I can be somewhat like Ghandi and pick the six things Jesus said that I actually agree with and quote them. Now deep down I'd say I'm what John Loftus calls a soft-agnostic, but liberal Christian works where I live. Well, not really - liberal is a four-letter word. The new word is progressive, now there's a cool term - check it out (www.tcpc.org). It's a denomination for Christians who don't believe in God. Now that's not what they say, but that's what it is. This makes life very interesting... and if I'm wrong? - f*#k that, I'm not wrong. The best position to take is the honest, never ending process of discovery position (hiding behind a facade or two along the way) . Now, I know that honesty combined with a facade may get you a trip to Hell - f*#k that, no it won't. All we can do is learn, study, refine, think, rethink (and look good while we do it). If you do that sort of thing within the faith tradition, you get Theology (useless waste of brain power). If you do that outside of the faith tradition, you get closer to the Truth.

Yes, I'm an emotional piece of work. The Internet Monk (one of the few Christian sites I still read) ridiculed the atheist elevation of reason to the position of Idol in a recent piece(about The Golden Compass movie). Reason is a better Idol that faith, I would say. Well, I read and reread that post and when it was all said and done, I was able to locate the gene that doesn't allow one who doubts to lose faith, while another person, without possession of said gene, doubts and faith is gone (can't you tell my Ph.D. is in languages?) And I'm like the liberal, er... progressive... Christian - it's a chemical, not spiritual thing - the Holy Spirit doesn't exist. At the end of the third reading of the post, I was able to spot the Monk's emotional attachment - the "I'm not letting go, there's just got to be more than this life" spirit that informs said attachment - that I myself used to have.

Grandpa's gone - been gone for awhile. His worm died, but every once in a while I catch a big bass on a plastic worm (now there's a worm that doesn't die), and I think of that old geezer that I loved dearly. That little girl that is dying of cancer - I think about her more than the fictitious God does - I'd love to do something for her, but I'm as helpless as the God who Himself is kept alive on leather-bound tracing paper and by the human propensity to "believe." What's so sad is that someone is going to read this and start the spin-doctoring that God always gets - He'll get to remain mysterious, yet loving... cruel, yet compassionate... but most of all, He'll be forever impotent, yet omnipotent. How do you defeat that? When the worst thing is, He'll get all that defending, and He doesn't even exist... Please hug and comfort the suffering. Do something good and tangible - hurting people need REAL love, as imperfect as that may be. Christian, don't mock me with that prayer crap. There's a 12 year old girl who wonders what God's plan for His own glory is in her suffering (actually she probably just asks "Why?"). That is downright sick!!! She just wants to go to Build-A-Bear and own an American Girl doll. She wants to marry Prince Charming. Her parents are dying on the inside... she may not see Christmas... Why don't you focus on something real?... REAL... not a fictitious GOD that needs to save us from Himself... THAT IS STUPID!!!

I'm not perfect - I make mistakes - I'm emotional... and I just now deconverted from progressive Christianity...I'm going to check my little girl's eye...and dry my tears...