By Liniasmax

A song lyric I find amusing is from an old REO Speedwagon song:

It's time to bring this ship into the shore

And throw away the oars forever

This is an early 1980s tune if I remember correctly, but either way I believe it's been a long time since we rowed ships with oars. (I love my fellow brethren and sistren on this site by the way... yes I'm random). Bad analogies can work, for I believe it is time to throw away the oars forever of the life I began leaving behind in April. You see, when I was a Christian, especially in the younger days, a favorite, inspiring thing to say was: leave the safety of the shore and go deeper into the love of Christ... Be like Peter... let go... Jesus is the life preserver...etc. etc." What is now cheesy was at the time so profound...but...

At this moment - every Sunday afternoon - I always feel like bringing the big ship of my faith and the life it has built for me into the shore and getting rid of the oars (to complete the metaphor) - flat out reversing what I was implored to do back in the day. My friends, today I sat in a pew and through whatever we call Sunday School now. Over the weekend I visited Pentecostal and Baptist family, getting to be privy to the pompous attitudes involved with having a correct view of the godhead. I swallowed my tongue so deeply that I had to get a new one: I came so close to saying that modalism and trinity are both in the Bible - you can have it any which way you want it, because a big book that says so many different things can be like Paul, you know, all things to all people.

Oh dear me (not "deer meat," that's different)

I would have then been asked to explain (after the gasps, of course). I would have had to say that I removed my gospel filter and read the blooming book - then I didn't go and read Matthew Henry after that. No mam, I read Bart D. and Sam H, among myriad others. I now see that the good ol' book gots lots of problems (change your inner voice to read that line, place emphasis on "lots"). I don't think it's quite the rule of faith it should be and... deep breath... and besides, evolution is as established as NaCl being table salt, and I don't think that G JC x 3 is really good philosophy or algebra. Sigh... breath... clutch tightly to chair arm...

Then I would have to say incredulity doesn't do it for me anymore. Then they would ask me to explain - and I would say something like: "You know... like saying: 'Well, there's just got to be more than this!?!' or 'All this stuff couldn't just have happened!?!'" I don't like that - it is considered a fallacy I believe, at least I think - I've read so much that my head may explode. But it's kind of like infinite regress - the thing you asked when you reasoned as a child: "Well, dufazoid, who created God?"

Cliché number 413: Houston we have problems. They would not have been able to see it They would have been floored. It's one thing not to believe "right," it's quite another to not believe at all. The dam would have burst, my mother would have fainted, my children would have cried, etc. etc....

Dude, snap out of it. We're losing him! Liniasmax, wake up!!!

OK...

Therein lies the dilemma... Did I mention that I really love you guys? Anyway, the dilemma is that this is the tribe and I chose to be in it. Many people rely on me, whatever that may mean ... My wife is right that it would not be fair to just BOOM BABY! come right out and end it. I see her point, but I want to... then again I believe I need to... well, I should just...OH GOSH DOG!!!! It's all so difficult, because the...

... problem is - I ain't never been down this road before. The road has a fork at this stop sign, but I see another one up by that apple orchard. Personally, I'd rather just move to the beach and start over, but we have a lot invested in this superstition and in this area. Those around me cannot be reached with my rationale because they are still doing what I did: multiple layers of reality shifting based on decades of interpreting the world through the lens of faith - you know, starting at the point of the Bible being true and God being real and then going from there - for year upon year. That is impenetrable until something springs up from within...

... Then like wells of living water you see that this life is wonderful and God isn't there. After you mourn, you leap for joy in your newfound freedom to be human and love others, and raise your family, and buy a damn expensive hybrid car. I said damn...

So back where I started from - maybe soon I can be more vocal. I think my wife is slowly coming around. She always thought God hated her and of course I would defend Him, and say of course not. Now I say "No He doesn't - He doesn't exist." That makes her ill with me, but not for long. I really think she kind of likes the idea that I love her because I love her and I promised to love her, so I will keep the promise because it's my promise and because I love her (yeah baby). It makes it more real - I mean, come on, I don't want you to feel obligated to love me just because you got a mansion in Glory... Hello...

I'm like my cat - screw Science Diet, I want the Purina.

Thanks for reading - life is complex, ain't it?