.: posted 1/08/2006 ::: by webmdave :::   

 SpaceMonk wrote:

“The telescope did away with the heaven of the New Testament, rendered the ascension of our Lord infinitely absurd, crumbled to chaos the gates and palaces of the New Jerusalem, and in their places gave to man a wilderness of worlds. ”
- Robert Green Ingersoll

posted: January 08, 2006 EST  

 Anonymous wrote:

A Day In Heaven

Now lets all imagine just what it will be like in Heaven, since it's all imaginary anyway.

The saved will all be gathered around Jesus, there was an overwhelming calm and peace
like never experienced before. There was no more crying, no more hatred, jealousy, envy, no more diseases or suffering, or hunger or fear. There was no need of praying because the former things had passed away.
Some of the saved were soothing Jesus’s precious wounds. Some were trying to touch Jesus's glorious robe. There were some that were anointed in the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues.
Some people were repeating
scripture over and over, just like they do here now, trying to show God just how much of the Bible they had memorized.
Some were walking around just saying Jesus, Jesus, Jesus repeatedly all day long.
Some people were asleep with the lions and tigers and crocodiles.
Some were praising his Holy Name.
Some were bowing down at Jesus's feet.
Some people were reading the Bible and the stories, like Jonah and the Whale, Sampson and Delilah, and Moses was looked upon as a great man.
John the Baptist was walking around looking for his head. Daniel, well he didn't make it, he got chewed up, awe.
They were singing gospel songs and songs of praise to up lift the Lord.
They were all worshipping Jesus, when suddenly God said, Hey! Why all the Attention around him? I Am A Jealous God.
What does God and Jesus look like? Siamese Twins? with one head or what?
And it came to pass…..a great distraction overcame the multitudes of the saved and a
massive rush of millions turned their attention to all of the Gold and Silver and Precious Metals and Jewels and people began to assay the Gold and Silver and Platinum for it’s quality and its content, and people began to admire all the Jewels and Rubies and Sapphires and Emeralds and were inspecting them for their quality and luster, and their beauty, and the Jews and the Muslims and the Protestants and the Catholics and Hindu’s began staking claims on the Gold and Precious Metals, and people were mining the gold and silver and platinum, for it's content, and value, and people were closely
inspecting the precious stones, diamonds, jasper, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, pearls, and
the people began to bicker and mutter amongst themselves, and greed and great strife broke out and mayhem and corruption, and anger, jealousy and murder began to spread and they became like vultures at a fresh Lion kill, and the Kingdom of Heaven was rocked and in turmoil and smoke and fumes arose from the clutches of the Universe and Heaven became upset and God and Jesus went back to Earth and took each church, synagogue, mosque, temple, and each manmade alter and God and Jesus judged them accordingly
to their truth and worthiness, and none of them were found deemed worthy, and they gathered each one and they piled them in a great pile and burned them in a lake of molten lava, and a great smoke arose from the Earth, which could be seen from distant galaxies,
and the smell of burnt Bibles and Hymn Books and Gospel Tracks and Collection Plates could be smelled even from Heaven. And God and Jesus jumped into the Lake Of Molten Lava to escape the masses of greedy and the selfish vermin that God had created.

And it repented the Lord Thy God that He had Created Man and Jesus and all of the different religions, and so Heaven spiraled away like an un-tethered balloon, into the eternal darkness of space, never to have existed ever again.

posted: January 08, 2006 EST  

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